They discharged us from the hospital a day early since we were an intended home birth and Jonah and I were doing just fine. I believe I was there for about 36 hours. Not too bad. When we got home, we were exhausted and just trying to process having a newborn. The first couple of days weren't bad. We were on our "high" of having a baby and enjoying him. The day after we got home, the girls returned to us and the adjustment of 3 kids began.
We left our house to go to the hospital in the heat of labor. So everything was left sitting out, the birthing pool ready to be filled, the box of birth supplies that had barely been touched. The evidence of an active birth, just sitting there staring at us.
It was probably the second or third day of being home when the "high of I gave birth in a hospital bathroom" wore off and reality set in. Here were all the supplies that I was anxious to use. The biggest reminder, the gigantic birthing pool waiting for me at the foot of our bed. I couldn't touch it, I tried to ignore all of it. I melted down one day when we were expecting my midwife for a home postpartum visit. I figured we should take down the pool and give it back to her for the next client that needs it. I went through my unused birthing supplies. Kept what little I might want in the near future, and donating the rest for another client that this would bless. An anonymous client donated most of her birthing supplies (because her birth went so fast she didn't use it!) and I was the lucky recipient. That was a big financial blessing. Time to pass the blessing on. Going through the supplies, one item at a time, brought back memories of my beautiful home birth with Emri and what we missed out on with Jonah.
There were a lot of emotions running through my head. Was I a failure? What did I do wrong? What could have I of done differently? If we have another, will it be like this again? Leading up the Jonah's birth, I was getting more and more excited about that moment of bringing the baby up to my chest in the pool, the immediate relief of when you first get into the warm water. The teamwork that happens between my birthing team to keep me comfortable and mom and baby healthy and safe. I experienced this all with Emri. I wanted it again. That's what I signed up for. I transferred to the hospital for non medical reasons, because I was tired. I had 2 1/2 days of labor (not all of it active labor). Almost 3 nights of no sleep. I was loosing myself, I was in a mentality state I had never experienced before.
I have had 3 healthy pregnancies, 3 healthy babies. It never crossed my mind during this pregnancy that I might have to go to the hospital. Sure, we talked about it and made the emergency plan with my birthing team, but it never hit me seriously that this "really could happen".
The day I came home, my midwife met me at my house for a checkup. She was (and is) so wonderful, she stopped at a natural health food store and made up a jar of herbs for me for bathing in for postpartum healing. We talked along time, going over what happened and the events of things. The fact she checked me before packing for the hospital and I was a 4….and when I got to the hospital I was a 9. There was no way anybody knew that would happen. And if I had stayed home, I could have still had a long labor and maybe it was the car ride that sped things up. We don't know, we won't know. With the situation at hand, we made the best decision we could based on the current circumstances. That's that. And that's ok. (and made a decision that any future long labors for me, we would just go for a car ride and see if that helps progress things! ha!)
I am ok now. It has taken a couple of months. But time heals. I have come to the conclusion:
1) We made the right decision to go to the hospital (since we can't tell the future and didn't know I would progress quickly from that point on)
2) It is ok to grieve your birth if it didn't go as you wanted. But grieve short term. Because being happy is sure a heck of a lot better than being sad.
3) I had a not so great hospital experience with Natalie (which led to wanting a home birth with future kids). The hospital and medical field in general has improved in the world of being baby and mom friendly. For that, I am so grateful.
4) If there is another pregnancy, Lord willing we will still pursue a home birth
5) Midwives just rock. That's it. When I go back and think of the last week of pregnancy…my midwife spent days and nights at our house. Was with me almost every day for an entire week. I am so thankful for her, and her team. (So thankful…that I now work in her office!)
That's that. And now I have a beautiful almost 4 month old son, that his sisters just absolutely adore!
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